


My Fair Harry

by DarkVictory



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Draco tries to make Harry more like a Slytherin, M/M, companion story to My Fair Draco, it goes about as well as you'd expect, my fair lady parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-07-16
Packaged: 2018-07-24 10:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7504444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkVictory/pseuds/DarkVictory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Parody of My Fair Lady in which Draco tries to make Harry more like a Slytherin.  The flipside to My Fair Draco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Fair Harry

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on livejournal on February 17, 2004. YEAH. LIVEJOURNAL. 2004. Thought all of my Harry Potter fics were lost forever but recently tried logging into lj on a whim and it was all still there.

***

"Sometimes I wish you were a Slytherin," Draco mused from his position draped across Harry.

"Oh, but I thought you loved my oh-so-Gryffindor personality," Harry teased.

"Well, yes, that does make things interesting. Fire and ice and all that," Draco absently, picking at a button on Harry's shirt. "I only mean life would be easier if you were a Slytherin. There would be no more going back and forth between our rooms and I certainly wouldn't have to spend time _here_." He surveyed the Gryffindor dormitory with distaste, wrinkling his nose.

"I forgot you're allergic to anything warm and cozy."

"Except for you." Draco pinched one of Harry's nipples through his shirt, ignoring Harry's flinch. "It would be so nice to be sharing a room in the Slytherin dungeon."

"The Sorting Hat wanted to put me in Slytherin," Harry blurted out suddenly.

Draco sat up quickly, putting one hand on Harry's stomach for leverage. "You have _got_ to be kidding me. You're too bloody noble!"

Harry pushed Draco's hand off and struggled to sit up. "I'll have you know I possess many of the qualities Salazar Slytherin admired." Draco couldn't suppress a snicker. "Resourcefulness," Harry continued defiantly. "Determination, disregard for rules--ohoh! Parseltongue, too!"

Draco regarded Harry quietly for a moment. "Okay, I can buy that."

"Thank you."

"We just need to take it a bit further," Draco said brightly, his eyes lighting up.

"What?" Harry said, alarmed.

"An experiment. We'll see just how Slytherin you can be."

"Hang on--"

"Yes, it could work." Draco spoke more to himself than to Harry. "We'll have to work on that Gryffindor nobility and goodness, but I'm sure you could be just as devious and cold as some of the lesser Slytherins--"

"Draco!" Draco blinked and looked up at Harry. "What on earth makes you think I'll do this?"

"Because you love me?" Draco asked hopefully.

"You can't use that excuse for _everything_ , I've told you."

"How about because you love a challenge?" Draco said shrewdly. "Because you're too damn stubborn to not accept?" Harry scowled and Draco smiled in satisfaction. "You'll do it. And we'll see just how deep those Gryffindor traits go."

"Can't wait," Harry muttered.

"Scared, Potter?" Draco said innocently.

Harry narrowed his eyes. "You wish."

**********

"Good morning, Granger. Weasley," Harry said coldly as he sat down at the Gryffindor table for breakfast. Ron and Hermione exchanged puzzled looks. "Looks to be a perfectly awful day. Double Transfiguration. That McGonagall can be so...so..."

"No, no, _no_!" Draco appeared seemingly out of nowhere. "You can't hesitate like that, Potter! You say the first insulting word that comes to mind!"

"But I like Professor McGonagall--"

"I don't care! There is no 'like' here!"  
  
"Hey!" Hermione interrupted. "What is going on here?!"

"It's nothing, Hermione," Harry said. "I mean Granger." He swore under his breath.

Draco threw up his hands. "You're hopeless. I'm going back to my table, we'll work on this later." He shook a finger at Harry threateningly before walking away.

"Harry..." Hermione began warily.

"Yes, Granger?"

"What is with the last name thing?" Ron asked, bewildered.

"I'm...well, I'm sort of trying to be more...Slytherin-like," Harry said lamely. Ron and Hermione stared at him blankly.

"Why?" Ron asked calmly.

"Quite simply...Draco said I couldn't do it."

"Ah." Ron nodded in understanding.

"You make it sound like it's okay, Ron," Hermione said accusingly.

"It's not okay, Hermione," Ron said witheringly. "But the _reasoning_ is okay. It's a matter of pride."

"Thank you, Weasley," Harry said with an air of superiority. "That almost makes up for that awful haircut." Ron glared at Harry murderously and curled his hands into fists. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Harry said quickly, inching away from Ron.

"Oh yes, this will be fun," Hermione said drily.

**********

Harry made a face at his reflection in the mirror. "Draco, I feel really, _really_ stupid."

"Nonsense, you need to practice this."

"Practice glaring at myself?"

Draco sighed and stood beside Harry so both of them were visible in the mirror. "Here, glare at me then."

Harry rolled his eyes but tried to concentrate anyway. He narrowed his eyes until he was practically squinting and bared his teeth slightly.

"Oh yes, very impressive, Potter. In fact, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover."

"You have bunny slippers?"

"Here, watch me do it," Draco said, quickly changing the subject. He lowered his head slightly so he had to look up through his eyelashes. Harry shivered as something seemed to change in Draco's eyes, making them hard and cold. Draco's lip curled up slightly into a sneer of pure contempt and disgust. Harry took a step back from the mirror and just as quickly as it had changed, Draco's face returned to normal.

"See? Easy," Draco said brightly. "Now you try again."

Harry turned back to the mirror. This time, he tried widening his eyes instead of narrowing them and curled his lip, then abruptly stopped. "I look like Elvis," he said blankly.

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Well, I certainly hope this Elvis person isn't supposed to be evil, because that was pathetic."

**********

"So, are you finished with this ridiculous little game with Draco?" Hermione asked nonchalantly as she, Harry, and Ron walked through the castle on their way to dinner.

"Finished?!" Harry scoffed. "We've just begun! I think I'm really getting the hang of it and I just _know_ Draco's surprised I've gotten this far."

"Oh, Harry, this whole thing is just so stupid," Hermione said bluntly. "And it's totally distracting you. You're barely paying attention to Quidditch, you've totally neglected your studies, and need I remind you we've got an impending war against Voldemort to think about?"

"I don't _want_ to think about that," Harry said sharply. "Subject closed."

"But Harry--" Hermione broke off suddenly as they rounded a corner and came upon Crabbe and Goyle.

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I knew I smelled something foul." He turned to Ron and Hermione. "Weasley, Granger. Beat them up for me," he said imperiously.

Hermione's eyebrows shot up. "What?! You have _got_ to be kidding me! I told you I wouldn't have any part of this and I am not going to be your hired thug!"

"I will," Ron said brightly. He marched right up to Goyle and kicked him. Goyle's face darkened and Ron had enough time to let out a frightened squeak before turning and running down the hall, chased by Crabbe and Goyle.

Hermione glared at Harry. "Now look what you've done."

"I didn't do anything," Harry said airily.

"I can't believe you don't see how ridiculous this is!"

"I think you're the ridiculous one here, Granger, with your embarrassing histrionics," Harry sniffed.

Hermione stomped off muttering something under her breath about pissing contests and stubborn boys.

**********

Draco paced in front of Harry, his arms folded. "Now, let's go over the generic insults I've given you and apply them to specific people."

"All right," Harry said reluctantly.

Draco stopped pacing. "We'll start off easy: Snape."

Harry brightened. "Greasy git."

"Good. Trelawney."

"Bug-eyed fraud."

"Ooh, very nice, improvisation. This could actually work. See, spouting generic insults that I've given you isn't good enough. You need to tailor the words to whomever you're insulting, and _that_ takes creativity and improvisation."

"Okay."

"No, it's not okay," Draco said flatly. "Because you're not mean. You don't think mean things about people."

"Well, not _often_. That's why I need your help with this."

"Yes, but it's not genuine," Draco said exasperatedly. "Being cruel has to come from the _heart_ , dammit!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Ugh, don't be sorry, Harry. Just be mean! Come on, have you ever had a mean, petty thought about someone?" Draco asked. Harry opened his mouth to answer. "About someone _good_ ," Draco said pointedly Harry closed his mouth. "Someone you like, like a friend of yours." Harry looked at the floor and fidgeted in his seat. Draco's jaw dropped. "Bloody hell, you _have_ , haven't you? You've had a mean thought about someone near and dear to you!"

"Fifth year was a hard year for me," Harry said defensively.

Draco hooted with laughter. "Oh, this is too brilliant!" He sat in a chair and scooted right up to Harry until their knees were touching. "Come on, now, tell me all about it."

"No," Harry said sourly. "It's not something to be proud of."

"Of course it is! It proves you're bloody well human--of which I had my doubts." Draco grinned. "This is fantastic! My respect for you just went through the roof, Harry, you _have_ to tell me about it."

Harry gave a small smile. "You respect me?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "Of course I do."

Harry's smile grew. "Well, it was right before fifth year, when we got our letters for school. When we found out Ron was made Prefect...and not me."

"Ooh, good ol' fashioned jealousy. But of course _everyone_ feels that. I'm sure even you've felt it before."

"Of course I have," Harry replied bitterly. "I'm jealous of everyone who isn't me and doesn't have to be the one who defeats Voldemort or dies by his hand."

Draco remained respectfully quiet for a moment, his index finger brushing a pattern against Harry's knee. "Let's just concentrate on the petty jealousy for now, shall we?" Draco said quietly. "It's natural, everyone feels it."

"It was nothing huge. And it didn't last long before I was really happy for Ron. He deserved to be Prefect."

Draco heaved a tired sigh. "One small spark of jealousy that didn't last long? You're not giving me much to work with here, Harry."

"Well, if you don't think you're up to the challenge..." Harry said innocently.

Draco narrowed his eyes. "Malfoys never give up...unless of course it's to our advantage. Oh, or disadvantage, like if not giving up is going to harm us in any way." Draco thought for a moment. "So I guess our motto would be 'Malfoys do whatever benefits them most. And doesn't require much effort.'"

"And how on earth is this little experiment benefiting you?" Harry asked drily.

"Countless hours of entertainment. Oh, and I'm hoping that tapping into your darker side will convince you to be more kinky in the bedroom."

**********

"Granger, I don't need you whispering directions to me, I _do_ have a brain, you know," Harry whispered hotly as he added caterpillar heads to his bubbling cauldron.

"I just thought you needed a little help," Hermione hissed back. "And stop calling me Granger! I told you, I don't want any part of this experiment of yours!"

"She's right, Harry," Ron whispered across Hermione, who leaned back in her seat so Ron could lean closer to Harry. "You've become a right pain in the arse," Ron said bluntly. "You're rude, you're cold, you're sullen, and you're no bloody fun to be around anymore!"

"But I'm winning!" Harry insisted. "Draco never thought I'd do this well. And you're my friends, you're supposed to support me in whatever I do!"

"Not when it's making you into a terrible person!" Hermione whispered angrily, leaning forward again. "Harry, I wouldn't support you if you decided to jump off a bridge and I'm not going to suport you deciding to become a surly, rotten person!"

"Excuse me if I'm not sunshine and sweetness all the time!" Harry said, his voice rising. "I'm sick of having to be all happy when there's so bloody much pressure on me! If you _are_ my friends, you'll still accept me when I'm moody and don't feel like putting on an act!"

A hand came down on Harry's shoulder just as Snape's voice said "Mr. Potter" behind him.

"Sod off, you greasy git," Harry said crossly, shrugging off Snape's hand. Harry's eyes widened as he realized what he'd just done and he slowly turned to face a very angry Snape wearing Scowl #32.

**********

"So, this looks like fun," Draco remarked, looking over Harry's shoulder.

Harry paused in scrubbing out the sinks in the Potions classroom and sighed. "You're not supposed to be here, Draco. Detention is supposed to be served alone."

Draco shrugged. "I'm Snape's star pupil, he doesn't care."

Harry resumed his scrubbing, his right arm aching with the effort. "He knows we're together, though."

"I think he's in denial. If he wasn't, he might actually go easy on you."

"I doubt that. It doesn't matter if I'm the boyfriend of his star pupil, I'm still the loathed Harry Potter to him." Harry paused to push his glasses up on his nose.

"Well, maybe he did go easy on you. He only gave you one detention, right? For what you said to him, one detention is a blessing. It was quite a display. Definitely Slytherin-like." Draco nodded proudly.

Harry gave a little smile and fidgeted with the scouring pad in his hand. "Thanks. It felt pretty good, too."

Draco's brow furrowed. "But I thought you hated having to be mean."

"I did at first, but it's kinda...I dunno...freeing?" Harry grinned. "It feels good to not have to be all 'up' all the time. Y'know, always having to act like The Noble Harry Potter."

"Harry..." Draco hesitated. "There's a difference between not putting on a happy act...and being downright mean and cruel."

"What do you mean?" Harry asked warily.

"I mean it seems like you've substitued one act for another," Draco said carefully "You've stopped putting on the happy, noble Harry Potter act...and you've gone and developed a new one. The mean, cruel, spiteful Harry Potter act." Draco paused. "It's not you," he said quietly.

"This was all _your_ idea," Harry said through clenched teeth.

"Well, I'm beginning to regret it," Draco said evenly.

"You started this whole thing!" Harry threw his scouring pad into the sink and folded his arms. "And now you want out just because you don't like the real me."

"This isn't you," Draco said firmly.

"I'm _not_ acting, I'm not!"

"This isn't you," Draco repeated.

Harry's face turned to stone and he narrowed his eyes, giving Draco a glare that actually made him flinch. Draco blinked and his jaw fell open but he couldn't make any words come out. Harry turned back to the sink without another word.

**********

Draco felt a hand timidly tap him on the shoulder on his way to breakfast and turned to find an apprehensive Hermione and a reluctant Ron. Draco raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Yes, Granger?"

Hermione immediately lost her apprehension and rolled her eyes. "I'm really sick of being called by my last name. And it's what I've--we've--come to talk to you about." She took a deep breath. "Harry. His behavior. This whole experiment of _yours_."

"Oh, I suppose this is all my fault?"

"Of course it's your fault!" Ron exploded. "It was your stupid idea! And now you've gone and turned Harry into your slightly-evil twin!"

"I didn't turn him into anything, Weasley," Draco said calmly.

"Like hell you didn't!"

"Think about it, Weasley. Think about the Harry Potter you know. Do you actually think I could change him?" Draco said quietly. "Do you actually believe that Harry would let himself be bullied into becoming a different person? Do you honestly think he would change who he is for anyone?" Draco looked away. "Even me?"

"I think you're right," Hermione admitted, then elbowed Ron when he didn't say anything.

"Okay, good point," Ron said grudgingly. "But why's he acting like this then? It's not like him."

"But it _is_ him, Weasley," Draco said tiredly. "It's the side of him he never shows to anyone, the stuff he keeps inside. Because he's too damn sweet to burden others with his problems. He's just taken it too far, is all. Forgotten about all the other things he is."

"But he can't stay like this!"

"No, he can't," Hermione agreed. "But he can't keep it bottled up like he has been. What he needs is a way to vent without hurting anyone." Her eyes met Draco's. "Don't you agree, Draco?" she said pointedly.

Draco nodded. "I understand completely."

**********

"You must be pretty proud of yourself." Draco's voice startled Harry but he refused to let it show. He simply changed his position on the grass so his back was towards Draco, who sighed and moved closer to Harry. "Let's see," Draco began. "You've irritated all of your teachers, especially Snape, although, let's be honest here, that didn't take a lot of work to do. You've completely alienated your friends. Oh, and you've also managed to push away your boyfriend." He sat down next to Harry. "Quite a display, really."

"Very Slytherin-like?" Harry asked sarcastically.

"Yes, unfortunately."

Harry scoffed bitterly. "That was the whole point of your experiment, remember?"

"Why does everyone insist on blaming this on me?"

"I can't believe this! I put up with so much from you! You're pompous, you're arrogant, you're selfish--"

"This isn't about me, Harry," Draco said dismissively.

"Well, it bloody well should be!"

"Oh, please. You have to admit I've been improving my behavior since we've been dating. You've been rubbing off on me. But it's certainly going to stop if you keep acting like such a prat."

"You wanted me this way," Harry said accusingly.

"Well, I was wrong. See? Look how much I've improved! I just admitted I was wrong. This relationship does not need two Dracos. Hell, the _world_ doesn't need two Dracos."

"Well, it's a bit late for that."

"No, it's not. You're still _you_ , Harry. You've just let your darker side out for a bit too much fun."

"I just...I can't go back to pretending."

"I don't think you were," Draco said quietly. "You are a good person, Harry. But you get angry and jealous and irrational just like everyone else. And that's _fine_ , it really is. Just be sure to lay it all on me and leave everyone else out of it."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "On you?"

Draco nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, on me. Your wishy-washy little friends can't handle that stuff. And you are practically the leader of the good side in this war, we can't afford to let people see you falter. So take it all out on me. You know petty insults and impulsive anger don't bother me." Draco paused. "You know exactly what can hurt me," he said softly. "And I know you're too nice to do that. So I think we'll both be fine."

Harry gave a little smile. "You really want me to release my anger on you?"

"Yes!" Draco said exasperatedly. "I can handle it, you know this! Besides, if there's one thing I've missed since we got together, it's our verbal sparring."

"We still fight, Draco. Quite a bit, actually."

"Yes, about serious stuff, _relationship_ stuff. I miss the petty fights, though, we don't do that anymore. So, come on, do this for me?" Draco did his best to look coy.

Harry burst out laughing. "How do you always manage to make it all about you?"

"I don't make it that way, _you_ do," Draco said haughtily.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Fine. I'll do it for you then." He leaned into Draco. "Stuck-up, arrogant wanker."

"Now that's the boy I fell for."

**********


End file.
